


Bruises Around My Heart

by yikeslikenikes



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Im Changkyun | I.M-centric, Love Confessions, Love at First Sight, M/M, Mentions of being drunk, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Sickfic, but only for a short second, lots of painful metaphors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-25
Updated: 2020-01-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:00:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22404541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yikeslikenikes/pseuds/yikeslikenikes
Summary: Changkyun stares at him. Feels his lungs ache. Counts the seconds until he makes himself look away.
Relationships: Im Changkyun | I.M/Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 10
Kudos: 160





	Bruises Around My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! There's talking about masochism (not in the sexual way), and a lot of metaphors about pain like poking bruises and holding fingers close to flames. No one actually does these things, but I thought I'd warn for them just in case!

Things aren’t easy mainly because Changkyun makes them harder on himself. He’s always been a masochist that way. Poke a bruise over and over again until the little dull pain kind of stops. Move your finger closer to the flame and see how close you can take it before you have to pull away. Find something so beautiful it hurts and then stare at it until your lungs ache. 

And that’s exactly how he feels when he looks at Kihyun. 

Kihyun is, simply put, beautiful. 

If we put simplicity aside, then things get more abstract. Kihyun is the moment of dawn right before the sun breaches the horizon where the sky starts to open its sleepy eyes just a bit but not all the way. Kihyun is the full moon shining on an empty street. Kihyun is the way caramel melts on your tongue and sticks to your teeth. 

Kihyun _is_ , and God, Changkyun loves him for it. Loves him so much his whole chest aches when he looks at him. 

But Kihyun is like the candle flame to Changkyun. He plays a game where he can see how close he can get without burning himself. Without making it obvious. He pokes the bruise that’s formed around his chest in the shape of Kihyun’s smile because that pain never gets duller. And he stares at him, as long as he’s able, as long as he can without making it weird, and his lungs ache in an instant. 

He, of course, hasn’t told anyone. His love is something he keeps in the palm of his hand and the chambers of his heart, and even when he takes it out it in public, it’s quick and secret, and he gets shifty-eyed like he’s afraid someone will snatch it right out of him. And that’s like a game, too. How obvious is it? Can they tell? Do they all know? Is he fooling the whole world?

Is he only fooling himself?

Kihyun is lovely and wonderful and sweet, and Changkyun can’t say no to him. When Kihyun invites him over for dinner, just the two of them, Kihyun claiming he was worried that everything Changkyun ate was trash, Changkyun nods along and accepts because he could never say no. He stares right at Kihyun’s eyes. Feels his heart thud painfully against his rib cage and smiles. 

Watching Kihyun cook is lovely. He’s making pasta, fresh because he claims it’s not that hard, and chicken. He makes the dough as he hums hard-rock in a sweet voice, and Changkyun wonders if he’s making it with love. His mother always told him to be with someone that never cooks while sad because feelings get transferred to food, and maybe that’s how Changkyun fell in love in the first place. Kihyun cooked so much love into the food he made, all it took was a bite, and Changkyun was gone. 

Changkyun smiles to himself because it could be true. 

If someone asked him about the precise moment he fell in love with Kihyun, Changkyun wouldn’t know which story to tell because he never stops falling in love with Kihyun. 

The very first time, though, was a long time ago when Changkyun first moved into town. Jooheon was the only person he had known, and he was determined to integrate him into the standing friend group. Kihyun had been the first one whose schedule cleared up enough to meet them for coffee. Changkyun had fallen in love when Kihyun had picked up his pastry with his middle finger and his thumb, delicately around the sides, his other hand under it to pick up the crumbs that fell when he bit into it. Changkyun’s heart had never really been rational, and in that moment he learned just how strange it could be. Maybe it was the hands. Maybe it was the way Kihyun closed his eyes when he bit down like he wanted to be alone with the taste of sugar and bread and butter. Maybe it was the way he dropped the crumbs that fell from his lips onto a napkin in front of him instead of the floor like most people would. Changkyun didn’t know, but that was it. The first moment. 

There were a billion moments after that first one, and all of them ached more and more as time went by. Every time Changkyun tasted Kihyun’s cooking. Every time he heard Kihyun sing or hum to himself. Every time Kihyun got embarrassed and hid behind someone, punching lightly at their back. Every time he saw something and his eyes went wide with amazement. Every time he held back his laughter and made his chin scrunch up and his lips pout until he finally burst. 

Needles pricking at Changkyun’s heart. 

Kihyun puts a plate in front of Changkyun with little flourish, already served, and he grins at him, waiting. 

“Hope you like it,” he says. 

“I’m sure I will,” Changkyun replies right before he takes a bite. 

Of course, it’s great. Changkyun chews slowly, covering his mouth a bit before he sends Kihyun a thumbs-up. 

Kihyun beams before he serves himself, and as his back is turned, Changkyun stares at him. Feels his lungs ache. Counts the seconds until he makes himself look away. 

Changkyun is drunk. He’s drunk and in a karaoke bar with everyone. He’s drunk, and he knows he needs to leave before Kihyun sings because if he doesn’t then he might spill his secret, and he can’t do that. Not like this. Not when he’s drunk. 

Alcohol numbs the ache in his lungs but makes his secret into liquid, makes it leak out of the palm of his hand and the chambers of his heart. If he takes it out now, everyone will see it. 

Four songs. 

That’s all he has left before this is too much. That’s all he has before Kihyun takes that microphone and sings something to make them all cry. Changkyun leans into Jooheon’s shoulder and groans. 

“I don’t feel so good,” he says.

And Jooheon is a great friend, so he says, “Do you need me to take you home?”

Changkyun blinks around the room. Jooheon was having so much fun, and now because of Changkyun and his stupid feelings, everything will get cut short. Changkyun feels like a selfish asshole, so he shakes his head. 

“Nah. I’ll be fine. I can order a car,” he says. 

Jooheon is all frowns and pouts as he gets up and pulls Changkyun up with him. “We’ll be back!” he calls out over Minhyuk trying to rap to an old Seo Taiji song. Everyone just waves as Jooheon and Changkyun go outside. 

It’s a lot colder outside, and Changkyun is grateful for the sting of winter on his face as Jooheon zips up their jackets. 

“I’ll wait for the car to pick you up. What should I tell the guys?” Jooheon asks. 

Changkyun’s face scrunches. _Tell them I’m too scared to deal with my feelings, so I left._ “I just. My stomach. You know,” Changkyun says instead. 

Jooheon looks at him for a second before nodding and pulling out his phone to order him a car. 

It’s cold, and it reminds Changkyun of Kihyun because everything reminds him of Kihyun. Rain, sun, snow, cold, heat, everything. Everything is Kihyun. Because Kihyun _is_. Everything cycles around in Changkyun’s head for a while before he sees the car pull up. He and Jooheon walk toward it. 

“Record Kihyun’s heart wrenching ballad for me, yeah?” Changkyun says as he opens the door. Because he doesn’t want to miss it, but he can’t be there for it. Because he wants to open up the video and watch it and poke at the bruise around his chest. Jooheon laughs and nods. 

“Sure, buddy. Text me when you get home!”

“I will!”

And then the streets are passing by and Changkyun doesn’t feel nauseous or sick at all, and he knows that Jooheon could tell because he wouldn’t have asked for an excuse if he thought Changkyun was actually feeling sick. 

Changkyun wonders what he’ll do if Kihyun ever gets a boyfriend. If he could deal with seeing Kihyun smiling at someone and kiss them and lean against them. That wouldn’t be a wonderful pleasant ache or burn. That would be tearing and yanking and cutting, and those are things that Changkyun never wanted to deal with. He thinks about their friend group, his new family, and wonders if anyone else feels about Kihyun the way he does. If he could handle that. 

He decides that he wouldn’t be able to deal with that, and no one would even know why he suddenly stopped hanging out. 

He decides it might be time to lay it all out on the table. 

But then he remembers the way the words _I’m sorry_ and _No_ look on Kihyun’s lips, and he’s far too close to the flame, and it burns, so he puts that thought away for now. 

Maybe soon. Maybe someday. 

Not now. 

Kihyun comes knocking when Changkyun tells the group chat that he is feeling under the weather because of course he did. He cares so much about everyone, and that’s one of the reasons why Changkyun loves him. 

But right now, Changkyun wishes he wasn’t so caring. He wishes that anyone else had been free to come over and make him soup, but it had to be Kihyun. 

Kihyun is in his kitchen, pulling out a pot to make soup because that’s what he always does when his friends are sick. He wraps a big blanket around Changkyun and tells him to sleep, but Changkyun follows after him like a lovesick puppy because being around him makes his weak lungs ache, but it also gives him a reason to smile. 

“I told you to sleep,” Kihyun chides.

“Can’t. Too stuffed up,” Changkyun replies before he hugs the blanket closer around him and sits down at the table. 

“Well, fine. You should still rest. Have you taken your medicine?” 

“Yeah.”

“Are you drinking enough water?” Changkyun pouts up at Kihyun, and Kihyun sighs before he grabs a water bottle from the fridge and puts it down in front of him. “I hate feeling like a nag, but you need to work if you want to feel better, you know?”

“I know.”

“And I hate seeing you sick. Makes me sad,” Kihyun says. 

Changkyun lingers on those words. Kihyun cares so much, too much, and Changkyun loves him. He prods at the bruise around his heart and thinks that it should be fine. Why wouldn’t he love the person that always takes care of him? The person that always makes him smile. The person that brings light into a room as soon as he steps into it. 

“Ki?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“Aw, Changkyun. I love you too,” Kihyun says cheerfully. He pats Changkyun’s head before turning back to the stove, and maybe he’s just sick, but Changkyun’s chest has never felt so tight.

Changkyun invites Kihyun out to dinner to thank him for taking care of him. They sit in the cafe and laugh and joke, and Changkyun imagines Kihyun’s lips saying the words _I love you_ _too_ even though he knows he didn’t mean it that way. 

“I’m glad you’re feeling better though!” Kihyun says between sips of water and bites of rice. 

“It’s all thanks to you,” Changkyun says. 

Kihyun smiles, and Changkyun feels the warmth of a flame against his fingers, not close enough to burn.

“I just made you soup and made sure you slept,” Kihyun says. Changkyun smiles because he knows that’s not true. He woke up in the night to find Kihyun curled up on the couch under a blanket, sleeping there to take care of Changkyun even though he didn’t have to. He had left breakfast ready the next day before he left for work, and Changkyun loved how domestic that had been. 

“Well, still. Thank you. You really didn’t have to do all that.”

“Of course, I did. That’s what friends do.”

Changkyun finally feels the burn. Feels the ache. Feels the bruise. He stares at the edges of Kihyun’s face because full exposure feels like death. 

“I...haven’t been honest with you,” Changkyun says. 

There’s silence and even though he isn’t really looking, he can see Kihyun’s face become serious. He pushes his cup away from him and leans forward on the table. 

“About what?” Kihyun asks. His voice is gentle, not accusatory, and it feels like he’s pushing against the bruise. 

“I...Kihyun, look. You’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had, probably,” Changkyun starts. 

He glances at Kihyun’s face for a second, just a second, to feel the jolt of warmth before he focuses on the tips of Kihyun’s brown hair instead. 

“You’re a great friend, too, Changkyun,” Kihyun says softly. 

“And I love you,” Changkyun says even though he can’t really find air in his lungs. 

“I love you, too. Now what is it?”

Changkyun gasps and looks at Kihyun’s eyes, and his lungs ache worse than they did when he was sick. Kihyun’s eyes widen with panic, and he reaches out across the table for Changkyun. 

“Hey, you okay? What’s wrong?” Kihyun asks, and Changkyun feels like a selfish asshole for making him so worried. 

“I love you,” Changkyun tries again. 

“Changkyun, you said that but--”

“No, I _love_ you, Kihyun.” 

Changkyun doesn’t look away from Kihyun’s eyes. He sees them go from worry, to concern, to blankness, then finally settling on realization. His pretty little lips part a bit in disbelief. 

The bruise and the aching lungs mix together into something almost unbearable. Because Kihyun is so beautiful, and he understood what Changkyun meant, and now he’s leaning back into his chair, lips still parted and eyes still wide, and Changkyun imagines the words _I’m sorry_ and _no_ and, worst of all, _I love you, too_.

Changkyun had always thought of himself as a masochist, but this was flaying himself open, and that was something he didn’t think he could do. 

He looks at Kihyun as long as he can stand it before he finally looks down at his food and shoves it around on his plate. He’s vaguely aware of time only in seconds ticking by since Kihyun has stayed quiet. Kihyun hasn’t responded, and Changkyun doesn’t know what he was expecting, but maybe this was a bit too much for him to handle all at once, and now he wants to just hide. 

“Don’t...don’t play with your food,” Kihyun says softly. Changkyun drops his chopsticks and puts his hands in his lap, and he hears Kihyun sigh. “Are you done eating? You wanna get out of here?”

Changkyun nods, and he feels numb. Finally prodded at the bruise enough to make it stop hurting. Kihyun gets up and puts his coat on, and he’s waiting for Changkyun but everything is so slow, and his mind isn’t working correctly, so Kihyun sighs before he leans down in front of Changkyun’s face. 

“Kyunnie? Come on, let’s go,” he says gently. Changkyun nods and finally starts to move. He gets up and pulls his jacket on around him, and Kihyun is waiting right there, not walking out, not moving an inch until Changkyun starts moving toward the door. 

And then they’re outside and Changkyun is grateful for the sting of cold against his face. It’s something to feel that isn’t this. 

“Come on, let’s go to that park over there,” Kihyun says. He grabs onto Changkyun’s bicep and leads the way, Changkyun’s feet only moving because they’re being pulled along. Kihyun finds them a bench and sits him down before he plops down next to him, so close their legs touch. 

Changkyun is torn between feeling better now that he said it, and feeling awful because he changed things. Changed in a way they might not come back from. Candle turned to all wax and ash. He wants to say sorry or apologize, but the numbness has left him breathless. 

Until Kihyun takes his hands in his and rekindles a dying flame. 

“Hey, Changkyun, look at me? Please?” He asks, voice smooth and soft like silk. So Changkyun looks at him. Looks him in his pretty brown eyes that hurt worse than anything he's ever experienced before. And then Kihyun smiles at him, and Changkyun squeezes at his hands to try to hold everything in.

“You looked like you were about to have a meltdown, and I didn't want you to do that in a restaurant, okay?” 

Changkyun nods. 

“And I'm sorry, I was just...shocked. No one’s ever confessed to me before.”

As Changkyun waits for rejection, hands in Kihyun’s, eyes locked together, he can only think about how the streetlight shining down on them somehow made Kihyun look even more like a painting, like something not of this world, like something crafted and not born. 

So beautiful it knocks the breath out of him like when he stood on top of a mountain and looked out into the world. And Changkyun had always believed in a higher being, but one look at Yoo Kihyun, and it was confirmed.

“And I'm in shock because...usually when I have feelings for someone, they never reciprocate them, you know? That never happens for me,” Kihyun says. 

Changkyun's mind doesn’t screech to a halt. It stops like the tumble dry, finishing its cycle and waiting for the tumbling clothes to end the momentum and settle. The words find their way to Changkyun’s tender chest and settle there like aloe over a sunburn. 

“You…have feelings for me?” Changkyun asks, and he holds his breath.

Kihyun laughs a bit and reaches up to ruffle his hair. “You're like the cutest guy I've ever seen. And you’re so caring, and genuine, and talented.”

Changkyun blinks. Looks up at the streetlight. Blinks again. And finally looks back down at Kihyun again. “You like me?”

Kihyun’s face scrunches up like he’s holding back laughter. “Yes. More than like, actually, I think.”

Changkyun’s veins fill up with what feels like syrup. Time is slow and wonderful, and the ache is gone, just gone like it was never there in the first place, and he’s brave and bold, and he leans in a bit closer to Kihyun.

And Kihyun smiles a bit shyly before he closes the rest of the distance and kisses him soft on the lips for a moment before pulling away, already looking around to see if anyone saw. 

“We should go somewhere else? To talk? More private?” He asks.

“Wherever you want,” Changkyun replies.

Kihyun giggles a bit as he stands up and pulls Changkyun after him. “My place is closer.”

And maybe being a masochist for so long was worth it for this moment where all the pain stopped, and he could look at Kihyun without feeling like he was testing his limits. It was better to just have the breath softly knocked out of him when he saw Kihyun blush and smile at him. It was better to feel himself inflate like a helium balloon instead of burn. It was better to have Kihyun’s hand politely hold his like he was afraid that was the wrong move to make.

And for the first time in a long time, Changkyun just lets things be easy. Kihyun is pink lips pulled into a smile. Kihyun is curling up behind his palms in embarrassment. Kihyun is the only thing Changkyun thinks about when he hears the word love. 

And in the quiet of Kihyun's apartment, when Kihyun talks about the moment in the coffee shop all those years ago, the one where he bit into a pastry and held it with his middle finger and his thumb, he talks about the way Changkyun laughed loud and clear and how his fingers tapped against his coffee cup. How his heart had never been very rational, if he was being honest, but the little taps were enough to have him slightly smitten. How Kihyun always thought he was being too obvious because he doted on Changkyun more than anyone else in the friend group because his feelings never went away and he had no idea how to show them. 

“And I think...I fell in love with you so many times. Just tiny little things. But I didn't want to say anything because...well. No one ever likes me back. And I didn't want to ruin...everything,” Kihyun says softly. He whispers it all out in a rush, leaning back against his couch and facing him but not looking at him. He stares at their intertwined hands instead, watches how Changkyun lets him soothe his thumb against his palm like a salve. 

Changkyun looks right at him and leans closer, pressing their foreheads together, and Kihyun looks at him, a smile playing on his lips. 

“I do. I love you,” Changkyun says, and it's suddenly the easiest thing in the world. 

And nothing in the world could hurt when Kihyun smiles and laughs a bit. 

“I love you too.”

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
